Loneliness has always been a sore subject. In pop culture, it’s portrayed as nights spent crying alone to the drum of summer rain or a single student eating lunch in the cafeteria on an empty table meant for five. And, while I believe loneliness is delicate and nuanced, I don’t think it should be feared; in fact, if anything, loneliness should be embraced. Though we certainly need close and solid relationships with others to maintain a balanced life, we tend to overlook the fact that every relationship we have feeds off the relationship we have to ourselves; often, the wake up call that forces us to take a step back and examine that relationship is when we realize we have no one to turn to or confide in but ourselves. So, instead of living in constant fear of being alone, I encourage you to take apart that fear and begin to learn not only how to live with it but also how to use it as an opportunity to thrive on your own while simultaneously bettering your relationships to others.
Why do I feel lonely?
The first step to embracing your loneliness is identifying what sparked that feeling in the first place. Are you grieving the loss of a romantic or platonic relationship? Do you feel misunderstood or underappreciated by your friend group? Do you no longer relate to the people you surround yourself with? Have you moved or changed schools? Discovering why you started feeling lonely in the first place will help you deal with these new emotions in the most appropriate way.
If you’ve recently lost a significant relationship, it’s easy to find yourself isolated and depressed; however, you can easily learn to handle these emotions. Most importantly, you need to allow yourself to grieve that relationship and its potential. It’s tempting to pretend that everything’s fine and that you don’t care and have already “moved on”, but all that does is delay your healing process. It takes courage to be vulnerable and admit that you’re sad and disappointed; it’s hard to lose people you’ve had beside you for long or expected a future with. So, allow yourself to be sad and process your emotions. Cry it all out! Talk as much as you want about your feelings; if you’re afraid you might burden your friends and family/can’t find someone to talk to, you can always pick up a pen and start journaling or record a voice memo on your phone and keep it to yourself. You just need to give yourself permission to be human and deal with unmet expectations. Next, you need to know that no matter what the reason behind the end of the relationship is, it’s for the better! If you simply grew apart from someone, that means you’ve both evolved as human beings and no longer serve a purpose in each other’s lives; however, that doesn’t invalidate all the time you spent together. If someone wronged you, you’re putting yourself first and establishing boundaries that will help protect your time and energy by cutting them off or letting them go. If you wronged them, you’re learning a lesson in dealing with the consequences of your actions and never hurting anyone else in the same way. Regardless of how complex and hurtful the situation may be, after you're done mourning, you need to acknowledge that relationships always end for a reason and that you can only carry the memories and lessons you’ve learned and move forward!
If you’re struggling within your friend group and you feel alienated or ostracized, it might be time to evaluate whether or not you need to end these relationships. Perhaps, your interests have changed or your opinions are starting to differ so you no longer have anything in common with your group. Maybe, you’ve grown as a person and feel as though the people you surround yourself with are too immature. In this case, it might be tough to let these people go because there isn’t a big fallout or fight; however, you deserve relationships that nourish you and make you feel loved, relationships that hold you accountable and push you to become a better person, not ones that make you feel lonely despite being surrounded by people. It isn’t necessary for you to completely cut these people off, but it’s best to actively spend time with people who get you than passively go out just not to be alone.
On the other hand, YOU might be the problem; your behaviors might have hurt or annoyed your friends to the point where they have started to ice you out or ignore you. In this case, the bravest thing to do is take accountability for your actions. Recognize that you’ve harmed your friends and apologize if needed. If they decide to accept your apology and mend things, you can rebuild these connections while being careful of not falling into old habits and harming them again. But, if they refuse to do so, the only thing you can do is respect their decision and walk away from that relationship knowing it helped you become a better friend and a better person. Our first instinct is always to blame everyone around us instead of looking at our actions, for we forget to realize we can also be toxic! Even though it isn’t ideal to be at fault, we learn the most by making mistakes.
How do I take advantage of my loneliness?
After unveiling the reason(s) behind your loneliness, you should reframe it as an opportunity to better yourself! No better time to rid yourself of toxic traits or pick up a new hobby than when you’re forced to be on your own. We often get too wrapped up in our relationships and neglect ourselves, so this is the perfect time to process your emotions and commit to activities you were previously too “busy” to get to. This greatly strengthens your relationship to yourself; instead of going out everyday or constantly blasting music to distract yourself from your thoughts, the more you spend time on your own bettering yourself, the easier and more pleasant it will be to do so. It’ll definitely be uncomfortable at first, but, with time, you might start preferring your own company to that of others! You’ll allow yourself to sit with your thoughts without distractions. You’ll laugh at your own jokes. You’ll learn new things about yourself. You’ll feel comfortable and loved in your own presence. Additionally, you’ll attract much healthier relationships! As you become a better person, you’ll seek and attract people of better quality than you previously surrounded yourself with. After all, our relationships with others tend to be projections of those with ourselves.
How do I “defeat” loneliness?
To defeat loneliness, you must strip it of its power. You do that by being comfortable on your own. Still, you need relationships to survive; so where do you go from here? The best thing to do is reach out to those in your communities - whether that’s your neighborhood, your school, your workplace, your club, etc. If there’s no luck there, consider taking up new activities: go to a poetry reading, sign up for boxing class, or join a movie club! People are constantly looking to expand their circles, so you’re bound to find someone you’ll click with. Luckily, we also have access to the entire world with social media on our hands. Making online friends - whether they live 5 minutes or 3 plane rides away - is a relatively easy way to make connections; you can strike up a conversation with anyone about a band or TV show and garner a friendship that might last years or even decades. No matter where or how, the best way to make new friends is to establish a common interest and build from there! With time, you can deepen these relationships by opening up and being vulnerable or you can keep them casual. We sometimes tend to forget that not every relationship has to be “deep”, you’re allowed to have friends that you only hit up for a game of football or a TV show discussion.
If you continue to struggle with building relationships, consider changing your approach; again, we forget that we can sometimes be at fault. Maybe, you’re too possessive or you get upset really easily; working on these issues can help you find and maintain longer, healthier relationships.
A final reminder: it’s 100% better to be lonely for a while than it is to be stuck in unfulfilling, harmful, or abusive relationships. And, while people make mistakes and deserve second chances, you can’t ignore negative patterns of behavior. Don’t let yourself be manipulated or gaslighted into maintaining relationships that don't bring you joy. You’re allowed to leave at any time, and so is everyone else. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean you can’t be sad when others leave, you just have to respect their decision. Never feel guilty for putting yourself first; after all, the only relationship you’re guaranteed is the one you have with yourself!
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